• Charlie Walker
  • Ben Adams
  • Tyler Clarkson
  • Kynan Phillips
  • Emily Goleberg
  • Megan Daniels
  • Kelly
  • Mr. Gallsway
  • Eddie Cooper
  • Brad
  • Mr. and Mrs. Goleberg
  • Ms. Clarkson
  • Random boy and girl
  • Lunch Lady
  • Luke and Ryan
  • Caitlin and Sarah


[The episode starts inside the 6th Grade classroom. Charlie, Ben and Kynan are making small talk.]
Ben: God, that weekend went fast. I'm still not even fully awake yet.
Charlie: Did you even finish that math homework we had?
Ben: [confused] What homework?
Charlie: Nevermind, why isn't Tyler here yet?
Kynan: He said something about not wanting to get another detention for not doing another piece of homework.
Charlie: Oh. [looks away]
[Emily walks through the door of the classroom. She looks around and then walks over to Kelly and her two friends.]
Emily: Hi, I'm new here. Am I in the right place, this is Mr. Gallsway's classroom, isn't it?
Kelly: [glaring at her, then looks at Janet and Steph and laughs] Okay, we'll make you right at home!
Emily: [oblivious] Thanks!
[Mr. Gallsway walks in, everyone sits at their desks.]
Mr. Gallsway: Ahem, good morning students. [He scans the crowd] I suspect Tyler is skipping class again?
Charlie, Ben, Kynan: [monotone] Yep.
Mr. Gallsway: Alright then, can everyone get out their math homework please? [Only Charlie gets his out, the rest sit their quietly.]
Emily: Oh boy, no-one seems to be at all responsible in this class.
Megan: [She leans over to Emily] It's like this a lot. Hi, I'm Megan.
Emily: Oh, hi! I'm Emily. I'm new.
Megan: I can tell.
Mr. Gallsway: [hears the two speaking] No talking in the classroom! Especially you, rookie! [he points at Emily]
Emily: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I was just-
Mr. Gallsway: [shouting] "sorry"? Your parents are sorry they never aborted you! Let's just hope they move away again and go to Canada. There's a big loop of rope with your head in it, rookie!
Ben: [in surprisement] Dude... [Emily looks down at the ground]
Mr. Gallsway: [clears his throat] Alright class, let's turn to page 144 of your textbooks... [Everyone does so.]]
[Outside at recess, Charlie, Ben and Kynan are standing next to Eddie. A bunch of other kids are playing around them.]
Kynan: Hey, Eddie, I bet you can't you can't eat this without throwing up. [holds up a small bottle of ipecac]
Eddie: You're right, I can't. [he holds up his hands defensively]
Ben: You'll never know if you don't try, dumbass. [he hands Eddie the bottle]
Eddie: Um, okay, maybe just a little. [he drinks the ipecac, accidentally chugging the whole of it down and, once finished, vomits all over himself]
Charlie, Ben, Kynan: Sweet! [they cheer]
Eddie: [runs off-screen] My stomach is bleeding!
[Nearby, Emily and Megan are standing around.]
Megan: [acting as a mentor] Now, it's important to not make any notice of yourself or others. Blend in with the background, be unnoticable.
Emily: Okay, I can do that. [She and Megan stand still and be quiet for a few seconds before Emily starts to smile and face Megan.] Am I doing good?
Megan: [shouting] UNNOTICABLE! [Emily turns back around and stays quiet.]
Tyler: [The camera pans back to the boys, Tyler comes on-screen to join them.] S'up, douchebags.
Charlie: [faces him with Ben and Kynan] Wow, I thought you weren't going to come in at all.
Tyler: I had to, my mom forced me. [He grabs a can of soda and shakes it.]
Ben: Dude, why are you shaking it? Isn't it just going to fizz up?
Tyler: Yeah, I just prefer it that way. That way you can cup your mouth around it like this... [he opens his mouth wide and sticks the can in, then pulls it out] ...and then all the white foam will squirt right in your mouth. Ah, white foam.
[Everything falls silent. A random boy runs in and trips.]
Random Boy: Look out! It's Brad! Brad's here! [The four boys gasp. Brad walks on-screen, kicks the random child out of the way and walks up to Tyler.]
Brad: You, melvin. Give me that Sprite, now! [A crowd forms around the two.]
Emily: [A member of the crowd.] Oh my god!
Megan: [shushes her] Unnoticable.
Tyler: [[nervously] Er, I paid $1.99 for this Sprite, and I'm thirsty, so... no. [The crowd gasps.]
Brad: [simply swipes the can from Tyler, opens it and it sprays all over him, making him soaking wet. Everyone gasps and stares as Brad grabs Tyler's collar.] Tomorrow morning. You and me. School playground. Be there! [The bell rings, Brad and everyone else besides the four boys walk away.]
Tyler: [as soon as everyone has left] Cool, cool, I'll definately be there. [he turns around to Charlie, Kynan and Ben] Well guys, it looks like I have a date tomorrow.
Kynan [stays silent for a few seconds] ...He's going to murder you.
Tyler: [chuckles slightly] Pfft, what?
Charlie: It's pretty probable he ment he wanted to fight you.
Tyler: Uh, no he didn't! Why would he want to fight me?
Ben: [looks blankly at him] Because you showered him with Sprite. [Charlie, Ben and Kynan walk away, leaving Tyler on his own.]
Tyler ...Well, fine then! Screw you guys. [He runs after the three.]
[Later that day at lunch, the four boys are waiting in the lunch queue with other background characters.]
Tyler Great, now I have to buy a new sprite. Thanks a lot guys.
Charlie: We didn't do anything, it's not our fault your going to get beat up by Brad Maples tomorrow at exactly 8:45 am. [The lunch lady overhears this.]
Lunch Lady: Who's getting beat up?
Charlie: Tyler is. [He points at Tyler]
Tyler: Screw you, no I'm not!
Lunch Lady: It's about time something interesting happened at this school. [She spreads some black gunk on a small girl's lunch tray.] Now beat it, you little bastards.
Tyler: Hang on, I never got my Sprite. [He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some spare change and gives it to her.]
Lunch Lady: [excepts the money, then immediately walks away.] Lunch is over.
Tyler: [stares blankly then walks away] Motherfucker.
[Kids are seen running out of the school now that the school day is over.]
Tyler, Charlie, Ben, Kynan: [singing] We are out of school! No more school today! [They silence as Brad and his two friends approach him.]
Brad: [to Tyler] You haven't forgotten, have you? Tomorrow morning. We fight. Tomorrow morning.
Luke: See you buttheads later. [walks off with Brad]
Ben: [to Tyler] See, he wants to fight you.
Tyler: Pssh, no he doesn't.
Kynan: Yes he does, Tyler. He just said he wanted to fight you.
Tyler: No he doesn't because... godammit. [he walks away]
Emily: [walks by with Megan] So, I was thinking I could tell my parents about you and maybe I won't have to move schools again!
Megan: Oh, that would be so cool! [Both Emily and Megan stop dead in their tracks as Kelly, Sarah and Caitlin are standing in front of them.]
Kelly: Megan, what the f are you doing hanging around with the rookie? [Kelly, Sarah and Caitlin both glare at Megan.]
Caitlin: Yeah, her blouse is so 2008.
Sarah: And her purple pants are such an eyesore. [Emily looks down at the ground in shame.]
Kelly Relax, girls, I think all this rookie needs is a make-over. [Emily looks at them in confusion as Megan looks petrified.]
[Mr. and Mrs. Goleberg are waiting for their daughter to come home. She walks through the door.]
Ms. Goleberg: Oh my goodness! [she and her husband run over to her] Are you okay darling?
Emily: [her eye is completely swollen shut, and "ROOKIE" is written on her forehead in marker pen] No, I'm not. The popular girls at school tormented me on my way home. One of them dabbed blush in my eye and gave me pinkeye.
Mr. Goleberg: [he and his wife both look at each other] Oh no, sweety, there's something we need to teach you about being part of a crowd. [Emily sits on his lap.] Now, popular girls of high schools feed on the weak. They feed on people's happiness and when your most happy is when your most vunerable. To be the least vunerable you can possibly be, you have to be part of the crowd, which means you can't speak out yourself, understand?
Emily: I-I... think so. [she smiles]
Mr. Goleberg: Good, good! Alright honey, go to your room and watch Friends on your giant plasma screen TV, because money can buy happiness!
[Next morning, Tyler wakes up in his bed.]
Tyler: [yawns loudly] MOM!
Ms. Clarkson: [she walks through his bedroom door] Oh, my little baby, are you feeling okay?
Tyler: Not really mommy. [he coughs] I think I have cancer.
Ms. Clarkson: C-cancer? [Tyler nods] Hmm, well, I'll have a look at your temperature then.
Tyler: It's too bad as well, I really wanted to go to school today, we had History. [Ms. Clarkson puts the thermometer inside Tyler's mouth then takes it out a few seconds later]
Ms. Clarkson: Hmm, nothing's wrong with your temperature, sweety. Are you sure you want to go to school today?
Tyler: [starts to sweat] Er, no! No, I don't! Ugh, life... fading... Hair falling out... Make me a show on the Discovery Channel...
Ms. Clarkson: I'll go and get your school clothes ready. [she leaves]
Tyler: ...Godammit.
[On the school playground, Brad, Luke and Ryan were waiting by the slide. Charlie, Ben and Kynan were there along with a few other kids.]
Brad: ...I knew he wasn't showing up.
Ryan: Dang, I got out of bed early and I don't even get to see a good head-kicking. What a rip. [him and Luke walk away, along with several other kids]
Ben: [to Charlie] I told you he wouldn't come. [Charlie hands him $5]
Random Girl: Wait, look! [she points to Tyler walking up to the crowd. Charlie snatches his $5 back]
Brad: It's about time. [he walks up to him]
Tyler: Well... [he coughs] you're not going to hit someone who has cancer, are you? [Brad doesn't budge, Tyler stares blankly at him and then glares] Well fine then! You're just bringing the pain upon yourself, you bast- [Brad simply punches him and he falls down to the ground. Everyone besides the main girls walk away.]
Megan: Em, I'm sorry I didn't help you yesterday.
Emily: It's okay because, you know, I've learned something today. It doesn't matter if your popular at school, because when you leave school and have terrible grades you'll be dancing on a pole for the rest of your life. If your unnoticable and quiet during your school years and get good grades, you could be a politician and make the popular girls' lives even worse!
Megan: [she stares blankly then smiles] Yeah.
Kelly: [she and her friends walk up to the two] Hey rookie, I'm sorry I bullied you yesterday. I didn't know your family was rich.
Emily: Thanks! I think. [they all walk away leaving Tyler there. A bird comes along, defacates on him and flies away.]
[End of The New Girl]